she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
