cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
