Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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