Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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