it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
