don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
