I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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