omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
