my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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