Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize