Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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