i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
