So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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