So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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