I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
