Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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