Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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