dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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