someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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