I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
