im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
