As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
