Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
