I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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