Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
