its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
