god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
