worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
