Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
