Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
