When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
