the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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