I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
