Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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