8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
