I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
