He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
