How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
