He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
