Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
