How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
