U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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