dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
