I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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