we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
