she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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