Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
