I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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