Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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