Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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