i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
