her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
