Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
