this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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