Kiss
Puke
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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