I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
