After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Randomize
