Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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