We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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