my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
